Divorcing a Narcissist: What You Have to Know
It is difficult and emotionally exhausting to divorce a narcissist. In contrast to a normal break-up, where the couple can compromise and continue their lives on equal footing, divorce from a narcissist typically has specific challenges that make it feel like a mountain to climb. Narcissistic qualities like manipulating, not understanding, and seeking control can make every aspect of a case complicated, from the initial communication to the court proceedings.
What to expect and how to guard your mind and heart during a narcissist divorce, as well as some tips on how to navigate the legal and emotional rigors of this emotionally challenging experience, follow below.
Understanding the Narcissistic Mindset
The narcissist typically lives in a world with an arsenal of attitudes and ways of thinking based on arrogance, conceit and a complete lack of compassion for others. They are control freaks, and they tend to lash out at people who attempt to exercise that control. When it comes to divorce, the narcissist’s ultimate goal is never to get things settled justly, but to ‘win’ and stay in control as long as possible. It might translate into manipulation, obstruction and outright rejection of agreements if they believe they are at risk of losing influence or status.
Some of these behaviors may be familiar to you if you’re married to a narcissist. They might not talk fair, delay the deal, or even turn on the charm to convince people to agree, making you look unreasonable. You can anticipate these habits and develop coping mechanisms against them, based on how you identify and navigate those behaviors.
Set Firm Boundaries
One of the best ways to deal with a narcissistic ex is to have strong boundaries. Narcissists do not respect personal limits – they view them as an obstacle to their power and control. They may push you beyond these limits, pestering you over and over again, long after a deal has been signed, or even trying to control you emotionally (particularly if you have children).
Boundaries may require restricting communication to what is truly important, especially when co-parenting. Make it as written communication as possible, not only because this allows you to pause before a response, but also because you have a written history for later use. Don’t talk too much, particularly about emotional topics. Narrators love using the chat to bait others into conflict – and then make use of it to turn you into the problem party.
Document Everything
If you’re divorced from a narcissist, it’s essential that you record everything. This includes texts, emails, agreements, as well as keeping an accurate record of conversations, meetings and incidents. Narcissists may alter their mind on the terms of an agreement, or they may refuse to acknowledge agreeing to some conditions, so having documentation is invaluable if a dispute arises.
Documentation is especially handy if your partner tries to skew the truth or outright gaslight you, which is often how narcissists attack their partner’s self-esteem and perception. Keeping a tidy record of all your dealings can be an aid to yourself and your lawyer, should you have to go to court. It can also give you the advantage, since you have a solid track record to prove your claims.
Be Prepared for Manipulation Tactics
The manipulation strategies used by narcissists range from emotional manipulation to victim play. They might try to attract sympathy from others – friends, family, even the courts – by representing themselves as being wronged or misunderstood. It’s a blatant attempt to put you in a bad light and they might even try to appeal to you through charm, deception or emotional seduction.
Another good solution is to retain your own authority by remaining unbiased and cool-headed. Do not react based on emotions; narcissists like to take emotional energy out on you. Keep your voice professional and straight, they won’t be able to manipulate you as much, and others, including legal counsel or mediators, will know that you’re calm and trustworthy.
Protect Your Mental Health
When it comes to a narcissist, getting divorced can be emotionally draining, so you have to make sure you take care of your mental health during the process. Narcissists are able to destroy self-worth and guilt so easily, you might end up feeling utterly defeated. You may want to contact a therapist for advice about how to cope and keep an open mind.
Furthermore, surround yourself with supportive friends and family members who know what it is like living with a narcissist. It can be empowering to share what happened with those you trust and feel connected. Telling your loved ones that you’re experiencing a lot of emotional pressure will also make you feel less alone and realize that you have allies in your corner.
Preparing for Court
If your divorce case goes to court, expect your narcissistic ex to try to use the process as leverage. Narcissists regard court as another place where they can “win” or “show” that they are better than others, not a place of just resolution. They might try to delay the process, argue petty issues, or even represent themselves as the victim.
Confirm with your solicitor, build a strong case, and keep all documents ready to hand. Judges and attorneys are becoming more sensitive to the patterns of manipulation, so even a well-reported case can help establish the patterns. Focusing on the facts and avoiding personal attacks will bolster your case and keep the divorcing process on the legal side of the table.
Managing Co-Parenting Challenges
If you share children, parenthood with a narcissist brings its challenges. Children can also be used as leverage by narcissists, who see them as tools to preserve power, rather than people with their own interests. They may enslave or shame you through the children, or they might conspire to disenfranchise you.
When that happens, it’s essential to set up a parenting plan with strict rules and deadlines. Consistency and boundaries are the best means to keep the flow going. Co-parenting apps track communications and time, keeping a record of all the interactions you have with your kids. These apps can provide proof if your ex wants to argue that you’re not sticking to commitments, and they provide distance so there’s less drama.
Keep your communication with your kids free and assure them that they can communicate freely with you. Narcissists may try to change how the kids see you, so staying a calm and supportive presence can reverse the effects of negative reactions.
Accepting What You Can’t Control
Perhaps the most challenging part of divorce from a narcissist is realizing that you have certain things that you’re going to have no control over. Narcissists will refuse to cooperate or compromise, and they may seek conflict even after the divorce is completed. We always want things to be over, but if the narcissist is an example, maybe all you can do is learn how to let it go and move on without expecting a change in behavior.
Try to regulate your own reactions, limit your exposure, and remove yourself from the situation. Make yourself aware that they are behaving the way they do because of them and not because of you. This approach will help relieve you of the pain of trying to modify or make sense of what they are doing.
Moving Forward
Divorce with a narcissist is not an easy process but by setting boundaries, writing notes and caring for yourself, you can guard yourself against some of the most heartbreaking experiences. Although the process is long, remember that divorce from a narcissist will make you live a calmer, truer life away from their hypnotic wand.
When the trial is over, get back to living your life, get friends and family together, and take care of yourself. You will eventually find the separation from the narcissist both a source of comfort and the opportunity to be free to do what you want with the quiet and security you deserve.
What to Expect and How to Accept It
Divorce can be one of the most stressful experiences one could experience. It’s not a divorce, but an emotionally laden, up-and-down process that can leave you raw, confused and bruised. Everyone’s experience is different, but for most people, divorce brings about a set of stages that are similar to bereavement. The more you know about these stages, and how to deal with them, the more you’ll be able to bounce back and get ahead.
Let’s explore some of the most common emotional stages of divorce, providing insights and realistic coping skills to guide you through each phase.
1. Denial: The Shock of Realisation
People often find it impossible at first. Even if you initiated the divorce, the experience of being apart can seem surreal. You might say to yourself “It can’t be happening to me” or dread talking about the future because it feels so overwhelming. Denial can serve as a sort of emotional backstop, giving you some space to take in the enormity of the experience without being swept up.
How to Cope:
Don’t resist feeling what you need to feel. Give yourself permission not to have it all figured out overnight. Seek help from friends or family members, and journal your feelings in a way you might not feel ready to voice out. Smaller steps, such as tending to household chores, can ground you and reassure you that things are continuing on even when you feel as if you’re stuck.
2. Anger: The Surge of Emotion
When the reality of the divorce dawns on you, many are filled with angry feelings. This could be against your ex, the person, or even yourself. You could be mad at having wasted time, or for someone else failing you, or just for losing it. Anger is an instinctive response, but it can also become destructive if not addressed effectively.
How to Cope:
Manage your anger in good ways. Running, boxing or just a good walk are the kind of physical exercise that can help break up the tension. The arts or the written word are also excellent ways to vent anger out in a positive way. If your anger gets out of hand, you might want to talk to a therapist to help you process the emotion constructively.
3. Binging: “What Ifs” and “If Onlys”
At this point, it’s easy to start replaying episodes of the relationship and wonder if they could have done things differently to save the marriage. We’re used to saying “I wish I had subbed harder” or “We could have gotten counselling sooner.” You can get so stuck in guilt and regret, that you just don’t believe what’s going on.
How to Cope:
Remind yourself that 20/20 vision isn’t 20/20, and that it’s really easy to put all the blame on yourself when you look back. Write out your “what ifs” and “if onlys” so you can process these ideas, but don’t forget that the past can’t be rewound. Now look at what you have control over — your reactions, your response, and your recovery. Mindfulness, too, can help, allowing you to return to the present moment and to not focus on the past.
4. Sadness: The Depth of Loss
Sadness is often the phase that appears most like conventional grief. You may feel deeply emptied of the relationship and its meaning. You can’t live in the hopes and dreams you once had, and it can be an agonising experience to know that. This phase may be marked by loneliness, isolation and even depression.
How to Cope:
Allow yourself to grieve. Let yourself cry if you must, take a week off if you can, consult friends, family, or a therapist. Let yourself indulge in things that support you — whether it be being outdoors, making something warm or reading. Remind yourself that feeling sad is a part of recovery, and that this is a normal, healthy first step towards recovery.
5. Acceptance: Embracing a New Reality
Acceptance is not about whether you are happy that the divorce is over, but rather whether you have arrived at a stage of recognition where you are able to move on. You might start to relax or relieve yourself as you see how life after divorce can open up to new possibilities and opportunities. Acceptance comes gradually, in tandem with grief or rage, but it also signifies the beginning of a new era.
How to Cope:
Take this phase as an opportunity to reconnect with yourself. Take a look at something you may have put off in marriage and consider your future plans. Set small attainable targets to gain momentum. If you’re not up for a big deal, don’t worry, move in your own way. Acceptance is not a conclusion, so give yourself plenty of time to become comfortable with your new norm.
6. Rediscovery: Reclaiming Your Life and Rebuilding Your Health
Once they’re accepted, most people find themselves reconnected. It is a period of recognising yourself and starting over, building your life around your own values, interests and passions. You could begin to feel optimistic about the future, and at least some freedom to make it what feels right for you. This is the phase where you own your life and start over.
How to Cope:
Consider this phase a new beginning. Find a passion, discover something new and let yourself fantasize about the future without the confines of the past. You need people who will keep you motivated and in the right direction. Whether it is personal development training, trips, or even a simple lifestyle change, you can reconnect with yourself and your intention. Rediscovery is the opportunity to reclaim your life and learn that this can be a healthy and happy one.
Moving on: The Road to Recovery
These are normal phases, but it’s important to keep in mind that no two people experience the same things. Some individuals can process this very quickly and some end up revisiting feelings they thought they had already processed. You don’t have to do things any particular way, and the healing process is not linear.
But if you’re not getting anywhere, ask for help. You can get help from therapy, support groups and open-ended interactions with friends or family that can offer you solace and help you navigate your emotions in a healthy way. Divorce is a difficult process, but it can also be transformative, personal, and life-giving.
Divorce can be a lonely experience, but every step forward is a step on the path to something new — a new beginning where you could reclaim, endure, and hope. In recognising and acknowledging each step, you allow yourself to heal at your own pace.
Divorce might mean the death of one chapter, but it’s also the birth of another, one that can be lived in a manner that is quiet, self-neglected, and meaningful. Someday, you may even come to realise that the journey itself was a crucial element of your development, and that you now have a future.
Partnering with a Good Divorce Lawyer: Establishing a Solid Base
As you navigate the emotional waters of divorce, you can’t lose sight of the practical issues. If you want to make it as simple as possible, then the best move is to use an experienced divorce lawyer. Divorce is an intricate process, and you want to make sure you are working with a competent, trustworthy solicitor, so the money, legal issues and custodial considerations are as close as possible to your nose.
Why a Good Solicitor Matters
A good divorce solicitor will advise you on every aspect of the divorce, from completing the initial papers to finalising settlements. They’re there to guard your rights, give you unbiased recommendations and ensure every detail is professionally handled. Because divorce can be a sensitive and confusing time and it can become overwhelming, a solicitor brings stability and a grounded understanding so you can focus on your emotions while they take care of the legal details.
The right solicitor will know that divorce is not a simple process; it’s a life-changing event. They can counsel you on issues that you may not have thought of, like pension rights, property division and the eventual financial impact of the divorce. They can also represent you on child custody, visitation, and co-parenting matters so that they are made in the best interest of your children.
Finding the Right Fit
A solicitor is your choice, and it’s important that you have a person that you can trust and feel comfortable with. You would most likely want a family lawyer who specialises in family law and is familiar with situations like yours. During initial meetings, feel free to ask questions about how they work, previous cases, and how they would handle any specific issues that might arise in your case.
Emotional intelligence is important, but experience and knowledge are also valuable traits. Divorce can be a very stressful experience and it’s much easier to deal with a solicitor who listens, knows what you care about and knows your limits. A good solicitor will leave you feeling empowered and educated, in a position to choose what is right for your future.
What an Attorney Can Do to Avoid Conflict?
If you divorce a narcissist or enter into a highly conflictual relationship, things can become even more challenging. For these, a competent solicitor can serve as a mediator, negotiating on your behalf and reducing face-to-face conflict. They can help you define boundaries with your former partner and keep conversations professional and business-like and less personal in nature.
Where an amicable settlement is desirable, some solicitors may also provide mediation or refer you to a qualified mediator. Mediation is an approach that is less aggressive and gives both sides the opportunity to talk through matters in the open, under the guidance of a neutral third party. A qualified solicitor can assist you in making a decision about whether this is the right move for you, and guide you through the process.
The Long-Term Value of a Good Solicitor
Even though it may seem like a big expense, hiring the right divorce solicitor will help you save time, money and hassle over the long term. They protect your money by ensuring that assets are divided and your rights are respected, which saves you from costly errors that might not otherwise be noticed. With a professional lawyer by your side, you can relax knowing that everything in your divorce has been checked thoroughly and you won’t have any issues to worry about down the line.
Even a divorce solicitor lets you move forward confidently in the knowledge that you’re being safeguarded and that your interests are being considered. This can give you the emotional space to focus on your own recovery, thereby reducing the burden of divorce and allowing you to move into the future confidently and with clarity.
A competent and sympathetic solicitor can take a lot of the stress out of divorce and help you get through it in a much more comfortable way, with your legal and financial lives in good hands.
